McDonald's

December 30. Two days before the year turns, a thing I never thought would happen again happened. 

We talked for almost an hour (no, it's just actually me who did most of the talking. haha). 

But yeah, everything's a lot different now- a huge space is now separating us, I am eating food on my own, we frequently look at our mobile phones, texting once in a while and we don't have stories to laugh our hearts with. 

Gladly, there are things that still remain the same, like when he said he feels cold and when he asked  if I feel the same, I said "no", then he said: "cause you're fat!" and we both smiled at it. And when I asked him about his family, their annual reunion that I've attended a Christmas ago, he answered me as if I am still part of that family.

Then he asked me if I am still mad at him, I didn't know what to answer but I knew deep in my heart that remembering everything that he did to me still brings a tinge of pain in me, the memories are just too great to be easily forgotten, and the wound  is just too deep to be easily healed. And when we parted, he sent me a text message saying that he hopes for us to be really okay.

I really didn't thought it would happen again. That it's just the two of us, talking about how we're doing but this time as individual persons, as brother and sister under one organization, as the high school friends we once were, as the eagle scout talking to a rover scout under him.

So much has changed, and hopefully it's all for the better. :)

Fourteen

Paunawa: Lubhang ma-emong post, maaring i-click ang x-button sa itaas. :))

Naramdaman mo na ba na parang wala ng spark 'yung relationship mo sa isang tao? Oo, mahal mo siya pero hindi ka na masaya. Oo, mahal mo siya pero hindi mo na kayang tanggapin lahat ng ginagawa niya-parang sila Popoy at Basha sa One More Chance, pero ayaw mo pa din bumigay, naniniwala ka pa din na isang phase lang 'to ng relasyon niyo na kaya niyong pagdaanan at pagkatapos noon, okay na ulit ang lahat.

Naramdaman mo na ba yung sobrang kasiyahan mo kinabukasan magiging kalungkutan -walang pahintulot, walang babala-biglaan.

Nagugulahan ako, ayokong bumigay pero sa tuwing nakikita ko siya, nalulungkot ako, nalulungkot ako dahil baka ako ang maging dahilan ng pagsisi niya sa huli, nalulungkot ako na hindi niya nagagawa ang mga bagay na gusto nyang gawin dahil ayaw kong pumayag, nalulungkot ako dahil natatakot ako na ang maging kapalit ng kalayaan niya na gawin lahat ng gusto niya ang ang kalayaan niya mula sa akin. 

Pero 'diba sabi naman nila, kung kayo, kayo. Kung hindi, hindi. May mga taong sadyang ibinigay sa atin upang turuan tayong magmahal, lumuha, magalit, tumawa, maglambing, maging mga tao na ni sa hinagap ay hindi natin inakalang magiging tayo- at sa oras na natuto na tayo, matatapos na ang kanilang misyon at iiwan nila tayong nakatayo sa sarili nating mga paa-malakas, hindi mabubuwal at mas mabuting mga tao.

Pero ang masakit doon hindi nila tayo tinuruang maging handa sa oras na lilisan na sila....

Nagugulahan ako, pero iisang bagay lang ang alam kong malinaw- hindi ko pa kayang maiwan, hindi ko pa kayang bumigay-parang bisyo, kahit alam mong nakamamatay, sadyang mahirap tigilan-hanggang hindi pa iniinda ng katawan mo ang lahat ng sakit-sige pa din.

Pasensya na sa ka-dramahan, nasipa ng kabayong pula e. 

differences

I was browsing through my Friends' list at my Friendster account when I saw a former CLSUan whom I've sent a friend request before because he ranked 1st in the CLSU-Admission Test.

As I was looking at his profile, I found out that he has transferred to a private school in Manila.

Like so many stories that unfolded before me, his is not different.

I once thought of transferring to SLU to take up what I really wanted, Mass Communication or at WU-P and join the Nursing phenomena, or stay in the university that I have adored and respected since high school.

I opted to choose the latter.

Then I asked myself why.

For two semesters, I underwent through the dilemma of what path should I take and what dream should I pursue.
It was real-hard having to choose from what is there to see and experience in a university where I know a few people and the ability to live a comfortable life in a place where you have your friends or your sister.

But in the end, I stayed in my university and tried to make my stay worth it, and I can say that I have no regrets.

Now, whenever I hear CLSUans who are my former school-mates in high school having plans of transferring to another school, "hindi nila kinaya", I would say to myself.

Living in a university located in the far-north of Nueva Ecija isn't really easy for students who came from the southern part of the province, you have to deal with the Ilocanos who speak their native language as if they are talking about you and you cannot understand a thing because you only speak and understand Tagalog and that is the first time you hear the Iloko language in your entire existence.

Secondly, the real CLSU life happens in the dormitories and cottages where I have learned countless ways to eat without spending even a centavo, having a yummy dinner with just 20 pesos and picking that mango fruit smiling at you even if it is prohibited.

Then, there are the dorm residents who would scare you that you cannot live in a dormitory because you are too lazy to get up early in the morning and clean the assigned area for your room.

These are my frustrations before, I felt that I don't belong to the Iloko-speaking peeps, but then, I have learned to adopt to it over-time, trying to learn the language and asking my friends to teach me and interpret the joke our professor just said.

Differences are indeed inevitable.

I am just lucky that I was able to adopt to the transition between the world that I knew in high school and a much bigger world waiting to be explored in college.

And though I have doubted my decision and my ability to learn new things, I have no regrets for the dilemma that I went through, because it have made me realized that I could do things more that what I thought I could.

I just hope that students who have plans of transferring to another university especially my school-mates in high school, would bring with them a bunch of good memories and lessons learned in their short stay in the university.

Life in a song.

From American Idol 2008, David Cook's single, TIME OF MY LIFE.

I’ve been waiting for my dreams

To turn into something
I could believe in
And looking for that
Magic rainbow
On the horizon
I couldn’t see it
Until I let go
Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn
Now I’m coming alive
Body and soul
And feelin’ my world start to turn

I've been in school for almost 13 years. I can vividly remember my teacher's question during Elementary as to how do we see ourselves after ten years. I would often answer that I see myself as a lawyer, a doctor or a broadcaster.

I entered college in 2006 and none of my ambitions actually happened, not even close, not even a bit.

I got frustrated during the rocky first year in college, thinking that I should have been at saint Louis University with my ditse, taking up what I really wanted, AB Communication Arts.

For two years, I've been filled with too many "what if's" in my mind. What if I just studied and reviewed EVERYTHING about high school so that I could have gone to my dream schools University of the Philippines and University of Santo Tomas.

For two years, I've been searching for answers to what I really wanted. I even thought of transferring to Wesleyan University- Philippines and take up Nursing so that I could also give my family a comfortable life later.

But then again, these frustrations actually led to something better. I've learned that not all things in life can be given by money, that not being able to be in a prestigious school does not make me lesser of a person. I've learned that everything has its own reasons.

And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time
To be more than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life

I entered College of Education not knowing anyone from the higher years or the faculty.

I was filled with fear during the first weeks of the class and was devastated when our PE teacher actually scolded me in front of everyone because we missed his class because of the orientation program. I cried hard the whole day because that was my first time to lead a class, and that was one hell of a traumatic experience for me!

Nevertheless, I managed to get up and gain my classmates' trust back. I was elected to hold positions in the sophomore class and in our department.

That year, I also tried my luck in writing for the college paper. I was surprised when I found out that I passed the exams and I am officially a part of the Editorial Board. But that time, I was so stressed out with the "toxic" life of a sophomore EEd student and I really find it difficult to balance my life as a student and as a part of the publication.

Holding onto things that vanished
Into the air
Left me in pieces
But now I’m rising from the ashes
Finding my wings
And all that I needed
Was there all along
Within my reach
As close as the beat of my heart


So I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life

Second Semester.

I managed to survive the toxicity of the College of Education and was ready to conquer another grueling semester.

My first time to join an essay writing contest took place during the Education Week celebration.

I fought but I was defeated.

I was the 1st runner-up and another co-writer won.
I suddenly remembered one quotation from Tiger Woods in a Reader's Digest issue that says, and I quote:
"Being the first runner-up just means the first loser."

Well, I guess it worked for me because during the college level Literary Musical contest, I was selected to represent the college for the University contest.

But then again, being the inexperienced and uhmm, quite negative writer that I am about the issue "The Role of Filipino Migrant Workers as Citizens of the World", I lost.

And again, I remembered Tiger Woods- I am a first loser again. xD

And I’m out on the edge of forever
Ready to run
I’m keeping my feet on the ground
My arms open wide
My face to the sun

I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
This is the time
This is the time of my life.
This is the time of my life.

I survived the challenging sophomore year.

Another year started, and I am not a regular student.

I have tons of behind subjects.

I am not the good student.

But I am glad that there are people who made me realized that I am more than what I thought I was, that I could actually do things on my own, take every step and stand on my own feet and to do what I wanted to do and seize everything until there is something worth doing and seizing.

I've learned that people can be so cruel at times, but it does not mean that they hate you, sometimes, cruelty is one way of showing kindness.

I've learned that opportunities and chances to grow and find the person that I want to be is not confided within the four walls of the classroom but it is out there, waiting to be discovered, waiting to be risked and conquered.

I've learned that no matter how tough life can be, no matter how unfair the world is, there is still that one person who can help you get out of all these things- YOURSELF.

I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
This is the time
This is the time of my life.
This is the time of my life.