How you make me feel, Mr.

Oftentimes, my problem being in a student publication is that I am too emotional when I write. Once I was asked to write a column for our first issue, I made three major revisions to the column because it was either too emotional, too painful or too harsh until I finally decided to scrap it out and create a new one that will serve its purpose.

You cannot blame me. I really am emotional, worse, I tend to keep my emotions, shut up my mouth and wait until it explodes so I can let go of it one time, big time. But it took its toll on me a few months ago. I was bitten behind my back and the enemy knows my weakness. He played with me until I burst in front of a whole college- it was our Meeting de Avance.

I never knew I was releasing all my angst that time and it was not good. I could have just kept calm, shut up my mouth and presented what I am supposed to present- and yes, the enemy won, and I lost- almost everything, except my self.

It was hard for the first few months after the incident, but then again, words of encouragement from people who really know me came and I promised to redeem myself, I promised to prove the enemy wrong and I promised to continue being the person that I am.

I got up, little by little, I got my confidence back. I started smiling and it felt so good. It felt so good knowing that you do not have emotional burdens and knowing that you are living your life fully without hurting other people.

Now, it's all coming back to you.

I am not surprised by what has happened to you.

You got the power, you got everything that we have worked for a year, you got my reputation and self-esteem crushed, you hit me at my weakest, every shameless thing that you did worked for you, and yet you decided to put it into trash.

You just decided to put into trash the good name that your predecessors have worked in years of servant leadership, courage, unity and respect.

You just have put into trash the dreams and ideals of a thousand students hoping for the change that you promised them.

You just have put into trash a whole year of meaningful activities, projects and student camaraderie that should have been a very productive one.

You just have put into trash my belief in male leaders.

You just have put into trash my interest in politics, my belief that there are still politicians who will do good for this country.

And most of all,

you just have proven that what you said on why you would run for presidency is true:

"Gusto ko lang may maka-laban kayo.."

-Mr. Villanueva

You started it, now let me do the honor of finishing it.

Congratulations on your impeachment.

twists and turns

It's been a while since I've updated my blog, school's really eating my time, my emotions and everything else.

Last week seemed to be the longest and agonizing week in school since college.

Emotions bursted, tears fell and feelings were hurt.

A melodramatic twist in the smooth-sailing adventure called college.

Election is really, really tough. At the very last moment, our standard bearer backed-out and malicious leaflets against the Student Council spread like wildfire, avery good political tactic, right?

I overreacted and thought the Meeting de Avance is a chance so I could justify our actions and hopefully make the students aware that every peso that they have paid have gone a good, long way and not like what the other party is claiming.

I was so confident that I forgot that my voice was actually shaking and as a defense, I tried to louden my voice. Then all of a sudden, I felt really, really weak. I want to give up, go down that stage and let everything just pass me by. But looking to the eyes of our dear advisers, I decided to go on and tell the truth to the students, but they seemed to be too deaf to hear and too cynic to believe.

And lo and behold, I lost the elections the next day and it was game-over.

I was hurt but I didn't cry because I lost. Losing is inevitable and I tried to absorb the fact that when a door closes, a window will open and that there is nothing to cry about because what we have done to the college is incomparable and invaluable, maybe it has just to end there.

That afternoon, I was in my usual mood when Ma'am Jen, our prof. in Assessment II asked if I won, I shook my head and she asked why. I honestly don't know Ma'am, I replied. And then, she said her piece. "Alam niyo class, I really admire these students. Kasi kung titingnan niyo yung mga dating SC, talagang nakita ko na may nagawa sila sa college, lalo na sa inyo, nung enrolment nyo, isang linggo silang nakaupo, nagre-resibo kahit pa sabihin niyo na pinapa-meryenda sila eh wala namang sinusweldo mula sa college yang mga 'yan.

Service lang talaga.

At in fairness to them, madami silang nagawag pagbabago. Siguro iisipin niyo hindi ko dapat sinasabi ito kasi faculty ako pero nariinig ko kasi yung mga pangyayari noong Meeting de Avance, hindi talaga naging tama kasi kung naghahanap kayo ng perpektong lider, wala nun eh.

Kung tayo nga hindi perpekto, sila pa kaya?
At oo, may lapses sila, pero hindi maiiwasan 'yun kaya wala tayong karapatan na magsabi ng hindi magagandang salita sa kanila lalo na kung wala kang nagawang maganda at mabuti sa college.

At kung may nakita kang mali, dapat sana ginawan mo ng paraan sa sarili mo para maitama ito at hindi mo lang isisisi sa mga nakaupo lahat ng nangyayari.

Ang problema kasi sa atin, we fail to appreciate the good things, pero kapag hindi na maganda ang mga nangayayari, doon natin nakikita yung mga pagkakamali.

Kaya nga kung wala kang naitulong na maganda sa college at wala kang alam sa mga nangyayari, wag ka na lang magsalita."

Tears fell unconsciously and I was crying really hard for the very touching and comforting words from someone whom I would just casually greet "Good Morning" whenever I see her walking to her office.

And more than any pain that time, I cried because of happiness.
I cried because someone who I never imagined would say those very words actually did, and it just means so much to me, more than losing.

We filed a protest that day, and exchange of words between the electoral board chairman which happens to be my senior in Educator went really far. Our dean called both parties today to settle issues and what seems to be a clash between the two parties ended with tears, forgiveness and love.

Going through all these is not easy.
Friendships were tainted.
Relationships were broken.
Emotions flared.

Through it all, I have known myself better, I have loved myself a little bit more, I have known who my real friends are and I have known how to forgive and say sorry to the people that I have hurt. It is about time to rebuild the broken friendships, to mend broken relationships and forget the emotions for the benefit of a thousand more.

And just like what my advisers have told me, "Siguro hindi lang sa SC makakapag-lingkod. Malay niyo, maging mayor kayo. At alam naman natin yung totoo diba. Naging magandang training din ang SC sa inyo, sana madami kayong natutunan sa mga nangyari, basta lagi nitong tatandaan mga anak, nandito lang kami para suportahan kayo sa lahat. "

Iisipin ko na lang maganda ako. :)

of leadership and friendship

If there's one thing that I love about myself is that I value my friends so much that they are my favorite topic when posting something here in my blog. My friends are indescribable-they are simply amazing, and I guess that's what makes me proud of them.

CEd-SC

At the start of the school year, Kuya Jonnie (my buddy last Lit-Mus competition; he competed in Pagsulat ng Sanaysay and I in Essay Writing) asked me if I am interested to run for office. I was hesitant to accept the offer because I am trying to catch up with my studies, but then again it's something that I cannot really resist. I mean, this is exactly how I wanted my college life to be - being active in the school and perhaps, if given the chance, to be in the Student Council for once. So I said "yes" without really thinking what the possibilities are-and then, our party were unopposed and I am now the Secretary of the student council.
Things happened very fast and I barely noticed that I am enjoying this whole new bunch of people around me. I realized that first impressions don't really last, little by little, we found ourselves in constant arguments with what we should do but then again, we also gained respect and acceptance from each other. My co-officers that I thought were snobbish and perfectionist are really just simple persons trying to make a difference too, in just different manners though.
Five months of being with these different personas made me appreciate the uniqueness of everyone around me. Five long months of arguing, fighting, laughing and being with each other has taught me to have fun, seize every day of our life to try to make a difference and take a break from the busy life of academics and step into a world of something more than yourself and school.


College Friends (Educators in the making eh?)

If I would count my college friends now, I could actually count them with one hand. Perhaps you would ask why? I also don't know.
I have three college buddies who accepts me as I am and are not afraid of telling me my fallacies, my weaknesses and my short comings. I actually admire them for being brave, brave enough to tell me how bad they felt about what I've said and done, how unfair I was in checking the attendance for this activity and how bad I look with my hair or how thick my make-up is.
They are the truest persons I met in college. I can tell them anything and they are ready to listen. I can vent out my frustrations with my studies and our classmates and they are always ready to give a piece of advice. They are my instant cheerleaders in the contests that I join, and yet they are also my reality-checker-they make sure I keep my feet rooted flatly on the ground and my head not weighing too much air. They consistently teach me Math and Music lessons and makes me realize that I am STILL a student. They constantly remind me that I can always have them in times of defeat or in case I need a good laugh and that they are always ready for food trips that come unplanned.


HS Tropa

My barkada since first year high school. I really miss them. :(

my BSP-R0vers family with Sir Isma during the last Overnight Camping at Sci-Hi.

Reunion Buddies. Always present during planned/unplanned reunions. :)

Well. What can I say? I think this is the nth time that I would talk about these people. Well, they are the BEST! High school is the best part of school life indeed. :)


New Buddies. :)

It was through Sir Francis that I met these wonderful people. These people are very influential, not only because they are great leaders, but also they are people of patriotism and change. I consider them as leaders who should lead this country in the next few years. I thought these are actually serious persons who are busy with their advocacies but when I was given the chance to be with them, I realized that they are not that serious- they crack jokes, dance with us, sing Skyline Pigeon while riding on a bus going to Pasay and ask questions too. They are infallible- just like all of us.Go Team Nueva Ecija! :)

at UST- Arc of the Century

Ate Ren of WYA visits CLSU. (wow :))