Wanted: Mom and Dad

I didn't  really consider myself a lucky, fat and normal kid growing up. Well, I was and I am still fat, okay. Studying in a private school where most of my schoolmates are children of a certain doctor or an attorney or a councilor or any professional-sounding individual like engineer, nurse, midwife and so on- while I am a daughter of two government employees. Well, they don't have titles, their names don't start with Arch., Engr., Dr., or Atty. so I must have a reason to feel really inferior to my classmates.

What I didn't realize at that time was that I was beyond privileged and extremely lucky because unlike some of my classmates who turned out to be spoiled brats, constant bullies, and young parents, I was normal- because I have a complete family. I have a mom and a dad, and sometimes, it's all that really matters and that could spell a huge difference in a child's life.

So my mom went on a five-day seminar at Subic this week, and this is the first time in my entire existence that I am bringing myself to admit that I really missed her. It just feels incomplete not having her around in our house for four days. Well, it's not like this is the first time my parents went on a seminar. Our (my siblings and I) entire childhood was almost filled with our memories of us sending dad to the airport or fetching him, of mom going to different places to attend some seminar, of both of them being out of town at the same time, leaving us with our Lola or aunts.

I've found out that during one of the lowest points of your life, when your entire life flashes before your eyes, when your reminisce the better times you had, when all you worry about the chains of your bicycle getting misaligned while driving or what your Lola would buy for merienda, -- you learn to appreciate the little things that seemed trivial at first.

This week, I came up with 10 reasons why I don't want mom to be out again:

1. No delicious breakfast.
2. No wake-up call to get my lazy ass off the bed and do some household chores. Even if most of the time she would wake me up just to ask questions that we both know she knows the answer for.
3. No delicious dinner.
4. No groceries.
5. She's the only person in the house who knows where everything is. Sugar, coffee, flashlight, hammer.....
6. I can tell her things I cannot tell Dad because I am really, really scared.
7. I can annoy her constantly and convince her to buy me stuff I should be paying myself.
8. My dog loves her.
9. She provides a sense of comfort and warmth inside the house.
10. She talks a lot.

Consequently, I also made 10 reasons why I'll miss dad when he's out:

1. The plants will die.
2. My dog really loves him.
3. I can ask for money without being audited.
4. He brings a sense of security and authority in the house.
5. TV bonding.
6. I will miss his questions/requests about computers or internet.
7. He really makes eating fruits and vegetables look a lot of fun.
8. His temper......
9. He doesn't really say much, but his words are very, very on point.
10. His intellectual sense of humor.

So there. If you are a parent and you come across this post through some random act of wizardry or anything like that, I just ought to tell you one thing ( as a teacher, ehem, and as a child), go spend quality time with your child/ren as often as you can. When I say quality, that doesn't mean going to Disneyland or some amusement park, sometimes, a simple break from your busy work to ask how their day went and actually listening to their response, verbal or not, could make a lot of difference in their lives. Children never needed all those fancy gadgets and expensive shoes or dress, they need YOU, and you alone. They need you as their mothers and fathers, not you as the bank manager or the lawyer. They need you to make them feel wanted. They need you to make them feel you miss them or you love them, and that is something IPads, a pair of Jordan breds or new clothes can do. Your children needs constant affirmation and reassurance that it is perfectly okay to have mistakes as long as you learn from it and not dwell on it.

And if by any chance you are a child, a son or a daughter, regardless of how young or how old you are, always be grateful for your parent/s. Show them your gratitude by studying or working hard to make them happy. I hope we all live up to how we were raised by our parents. I hope we make them proud of who and what we have become at this point of our lives, and who and what we will become in the years to come. I hope we all come to realize that they did what they can, gave what they have and lost what they once had, in order for us to have a better life than theirs.

Angels and God

March 10. Fifteen years ago, our parents left us in the house.The sun was almost setting, as my ditse was  preparing snacks for the three of us. Her old 3315 cellphone rang, and the next thing I heard was: "Ano? Bakit wala na siya?", 'I must be dreaming", I thought to myself upon hearing my older sister cry like a baby again. But apparently, everything is real. She shook me and said, "wala na si Daddy Pole", and we both cried, mourning the death of the only grandfather we know. He was supposed to turn a year older four days before his death.

March 14. I was feeling really awful from the amount of work we had that week, I just really wanted to sleep all day and  hibernate probably; but I have to get up and take a Final exam that I only know of hours before the scheduled date. 'Lord, bahala Ka na ha.' I said to myself as I was trying to remember the very few lessons I know this semester.

So my first exam, which happened to be practical thing was really really bad and I felt like the dumbest person in the world for not being able to answer/perform all those activities correctly even if I consider myself a 'computer literate', but it turned out I really wasn't.

I immediately proceeded to my next class and hurriedly made a project due for submission in an hour, but yeah, I didn't make it so I just wished and prayed that our professor would still allow me to pass the requirement the following meeting. But God (and my angels, I presume), gave me something more!

During our late lunch, my classmates were thinking of skipping the last class because we have not reviewed yet while I was hoping for a miracle that our professor would not make it because he missed it or something like that.

An hour before the exam, we went back to the college and I sheepishly asked one of my classmates if she could lend me a book, which she willingly did and we even had some sort of a peer review. I was just staring at the book, trying to absorb and make sense of what I am reading when our professor came and asked us to transfer to another room.

I was not really confident in  taking the exam, but I just asked for His guidance and told Him I'll just answer what I know. It took us about three hours to finish the grueling examination, my hands are aching, my head feels heavy, my eyes are itchy and I  really really feel sleepy.

So with a very heavy heart, I went home. Thinking what might happen with my exams, then I thought how my dad would react once he knows how I've been doing in this masteral course. I thought of how I'll be able to comply with the requirements. I thought of not enrolling the following semester because every semester that I am working and studying at the same time becomes harder that it was before. I thought that this is the perfect recipe for being a failure again.

The following week is yet another stressful week. Forms, checking, preparation for graduation and other requirements and all the tasks that a teacher faces every single day made me occupied and brought all the stress it could.

But God has always His way of surprising us in the midst of overwhelming situations. His assurance of everything is unbelievable and His blessings come when we least expect it. I know You sent your angels to guide me in taking that very last exam which I did not expect to pass, but You gave me wisdom to answer and remind me of the things I almost forgot. I owe  this to you, Lord. Without you,  Daddy Pole, Inang Pita, Lola Barang and all the angels you've given me, I know this would not be possible.

Between endings and beginnings

Life is cycle of endings and beginnings. For one thing to begin, another must end. 17 days before the month ends, I should really be happy now, I should be excited to pack my things, leave the school and wait for what lies ahead. But I am not.

I never thought that leaving would be this hard, that even just the thought of giving my farewell message to my pupils would scare the hell out of me, that even how much I try to avoid confronting my feelings, there'll come a point that I have to face anxiety, fear, sadness and happiness all at the same time.

And that small space between endings and beginnings is what hurts the most- saying goodbyes, wishing them all the best, encouraging them to make all their dreams come true, no matter how silly it may seem for others.

That small space between endings and beginnings, where each hug is tighter, each step away from one another is heavier, where each tear is both happy and sad, where each word takes heartbeats to say, and where we come to realize that it might be the last time to see each other.

March 26, you'll be my first elementary graduates, I couldn't be any prouder of what we have achieved together. No matter how much I try to avoid saying my goodbye messages despite your constant prodding, I know when that day comes, I will be the happiest (and the saddest) teacher in the world. I am happy because on that day, you will make your parents proud. I am happy because despite my half-hearted acceptance of being a Grade 6 adviser because of your batch's known reputation, you all have proven me and other people wrong. I am happy because you've made me a part of your life, and you've trusted me with some of your secrets. I am happy because I am genuinely happy for sixty three young children who wants nothing but love, understanding, time and acceptance, marching along the halls of your second home.

And that small space between endings and beginnings is what hurts the most. #

Short Lesson about the Degrees of Adjectives

Here's a short video-clip about the degrees of adjectives that we can use to facilitate classroom instruction. This is one of our outputs in our AE713. I hope this is not bad for a beginner. Haha.

Technology and Teachers: An Inseparable Connection

Yesterday, I just had the biggest demonstration teaching in this lifetime yet. It was nerve-wracking and fun at the same time because I get to see how the system goes-- to which my co-teacher-applicant commented: "Akala natin pag nakapasa tayo ng LET ok na lahat, dadaan pa pala tayo sa butas ng karayom magka-item lang sa public.", she is a volunteer teacher. 

Rolls of cartolina, cartoon characters, and large bags--
a typical teacher-applicant's loot for demo teaching. 

Technology and Teachers have an inseparable connection. I only knew and confirmed about that demo on the night of March 5, 18 hours before the demo. I hurriedly prepared all the materials I need. Thanks to technology, it has made the pain of doing overnight visual-aids more bearable. 

I could hardly imagine how I would go about without an internet connection, a computer and a printer for that would mean I would have to draw (which is something I am bad at) all the pictures and images needed for my demo, that would also mean I would have to painstakingly write the most legible way possible even if I am half-asleep, that would mean I would have to take longer hours and probably give up sleep (which I cannot afford) just to finish all my visual materials. 

Our generation is fortunate enough to have these technological devices within our reach. If we are luckier, we might not need these cartolinas anymore, but just project the presentation of our lessons using an LCD projector and a laptop.

Technology and Teachers have an inseparable connection. I can still vividly recall our Educational Technology I subject (which I thought was just about computers, projectors and every possible 'machine' that is used in education) where a lot of paper, pen, pencils and tears were wasted because I am trying (very, very hard) to copy Ma'am Vi's computer-font like lettering, and yes, in the end, I just cried because I realized this is something I am bad at-again, hence, the tears.

I can also remember how my cooperating teacher and I computed for grades facing two giant calculators and recording the same to the class record, but upon entering the teaching profession, I've forgotten how to compute manually because the first school that I've worked for has an automated grading system where I would just enter the raw scores and they will compute by themselves. Haha!

Technology and Teachers have an inseparable connection. A teacher may be effective, but that does not mean that he is also efficient. In these times, where children typically spend more time on their phones, gadgets, laptops and computers, a teacher must be skilled to maximize the use of different technological tools. For as long as the human needs continuously increases, there will be more of these tools in the future.

3.....

.......minsan love triangle, 

....

.......

..........

.....minsan bilang ng link ng blog ng mga classmate mo para pasok sa banga yung blog mo sa AE713.

ICT Integration in the Philippines: Bridging Gaps, Crossing Boundaries and Building Futures

Fifteen years ago, Computer classes were conducted with huge books and huge computers. The moment you missed your precious diskette at home would mean you would not have the privilege of using the computer to perform tedious MS DOS activities on a black and white screen. It was a process of numbers and letters, black and white, type and command, inserting and ejecting. The Computer teacher is like a god who knows every little thing about those machines stored in a very cold room, and students- well, are like students, trying to follow every little thing the teacher said, typing letter by letter, staring at the screen every once in a while to make sure you got the instructions correctly.

Fifteen years seems like a very short time. For some, it is just the start of something, a coming of age, a revolution, puberty, a stage of experimenting and discovering. However, in technological perspective, fifteen years is more than enough to change the landscape of information, communication and technology altogether.

‘Computers’  was originally a job title used to describe human beings, predominantly women, whose job was to perform the repetitive calculations required to compute things as navigational tables, tide charts, and planetary positions for astronomical almanacs (Kopplin, 2002).

Issues of efficiency and reliability surfaced, and people searched for ways to have a definite mechanism to save time, energy and guarantee reliable and accurate results, therefore, the computer revolution began. From abacus, Napier’s bones, EDVAC, ENIAC, Pascaline and now, the supercomputers, the simple aim of computing large numbers has transcended to address the ever-growing human needs of productivity, efficiency, accuracy and reliability (Wolfe, 2005).

Information and Communication Technology (ICT) refers to information-handling tools that are used to generate, store, process, distribute and share information. The use ICT in education is obviously not a new rally for the protection and promotion of life. There are many evidences that the use of ICT in education provides positive pedagogical, social and economic benefits (Marcial, 2012).

  ICT in education has at least four stages: emerging stage which means awareness, applying stage which means learning, infusing stage which means the use and integration into the curriculum, and transforming stage which means innovative learning by developing new ways of teaching-learning using ICT. For developed countries, ICT in education is undeniably has produced significant positive impact. ICT is changing the developed world’s attitudes and approaches to education” (Loxley, 2004). 

In a study on the ICT Integration in Southeast Asian Nations presented in the Tsukuba International Conference in Japan, it showed that Cambodia, People’s Democratic Republic of Lao, Myanmar and Timor Leste are on the first stage of ICT integration while Philippines, Indonesia, Thailand and Vietnam are on the infusing stage and Singapore, Malaysia, Brunei are already in the fourth stage, which is the transforming stage (Maftuh, 2011) .Results showed that although the country is in the infusing stage of ICT integration, we still lag behind our counterparts in the group because of the huge rural-urban gap. That means, ICT integration in the urban areas are evident, but most rural areas are still on the process of integration ICT. 

In 1996, DepED embarked on a 10-Year Modernization Program (1996-2005) that introduced use of information technology in the improvement of the teaching and learning process, educational management and operations. This program was supported by other government agencies and the private sector. Previous to the adoption of this policy, DepED introduced the use of radio broadcast in education in the 1960s and educational television in the 1970s. Through the support of Channel 4, the Tulong Aral program of the 1980s was the first major initiative that combined the use of radio and television in public basic education (Ronda, 2012).

In the Five-Year Information and Communication Technology for Education Strategic Plan proposed by DepED to the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO), it aims to achieve the curricular goals outlined in BEC through ICT where students, teachers, school managers and administrators should achieve a certain level of competence in the use of ICT in the following six areas: basic operations and concepts; social, ethical and human issues; ICT for Producing;  ICT for Communicating; ICT for Researching and ICT for Problem-solving (UNESCO, 2009).

In fact, in the recent K to 12 system adapted by the Department of Education, one of the salient features of the program is to equip the K to 12 learner with information, media and technology skills through the technical-vocational courses offered in the junior and senior high school programs of the new curriculum (DepED, 2012).

In policy, ICT in Philippine Education is a big thrust towards the development of a world-class and globally competitive curriculum, however, in practice, as showed in the study of Maftu, although the Philippines is in the third stage of the curriculum integration, the country still needs to bridge the gap between urban and rural communities to fully implement the program. While most schools in urban areas like Metro Manila can easily infuse ICT in the curriculum because of available materials, competent teachers and proximity to training centers, there are many public schools in the barrios that still have no electricity to supply power to computers needed to achieve ICT awareness (Valerio, 2014). 

However, with the help of private sectors, such as publishing companies, producing ICT –skilled graduates will not be too far-fetched. Especially with the advent of technological tools like tablet, smart notebooks and the like. In a report published on the Philippine Daily Inquirer, one of the leading textbook publishing houses in the Philippines, Vibal, has tied-up with Microsoft and the Department of Education to produce e-textbooks that come in a handy tablet to ‘revolutionize and maximize classroom instruction’ (Santos, 2012).

Bibliography

DepED. (2012, November 27). The K to 12 Basic Education Program. Retrieved from Official Gazette of the Philippines: http://www.gov.ph/k-12/#about

Kopplin, J. (2002). An Illustrated History of Computers Part I. Retrieved December 9, 2014, from Department of Computer Science, Kent State University: http://www.cs.kent.edu/~rothstei/10051/History.htm

Loxley, W. (2004). Asian Development Bank Publications. Retrieved from Asian Development Bank: http://www.adb.org/sites/default/files/publication/28989/ict-education-training.pdf

Maftuh, B. (2011). Center for Reasearch on International Cooperation in Educational Development. Retrieved from Center for Reasearch on International Cooperation in Educational Development - University of Tsukuba: http://www.criced.tsukuba.ac.jp/math/apec/apec2011/19-20/06_BunyaminMaftuh-paper.pdf

Marcial, D. E. (2012). ICT in Teacher Education in Region 7: Benchmarking, Training, Technology Development, and Evaluation towards Innovative Teaching and Learning. Retrieved from Learning Is Fun!: http://www.davemarcial.net/phernet-ict4ted.html

Ronda, R. A. (2012, July 26). DepEd to use ICT to enhance K to 12 basic curriculum. The Philippine Star.

Santos, M. A. (2012, March 14). When Digital Classrooms Become A Reality. Philippine Daily Inquirer.

UNESCO. (2009). Planipolis. Retrieved from A portal of education plans and policies from UNESCO Member States providing a single entry to documents from various official sources.: http://planipolis.iiep.unesco.org/upload/Philippines/Philippines_ICT4E_Strategic_Plan.pdf

Valerio, A. P. (2014, June 30). DevEx News. Retrieved from A media platform for the global development community: https://www.devex.com/news/the-link-between-electricity-and-education-83789

Wolfe, V. F. (2005). History of Computers. Retrieved from Department of Computer Science, University of Rhode Island: http://homepage.cs.uri.edu/faculty/wolfe/book/Readings/Reading03.htm

Metamorphose

Disclaimer: If you've been following this blog since God-knows-when, you've probably read a lot of my rants and random babbles about how my university life went. I've actually 'abandoned' this site for quite some time, well, 2-3 years I guess. Right after college, I realized that blogging (or having a stable internet connection is a luxury, and having the inspiration to write interesting stories and entries is a miracle). But hey, it's 2015, almost 3 years after my last post (which is actually an SEO-thing). And so, Limitless came to my mind, because I just feel like my life has undergone so many changes, yet, it still the same..(wait, that wasn't related).

So yeah, LIMITLESS. Because I'd like to think that we are all limitless. Borrowing from Mace in That Thing Called Tadhana (which is my new favorite Pinoy movie now), "na-u-unlearn ba yun? siguro pwede kang kalawangin, pero hindi mo pwedeng ma-unlearn yun",

The Internet: A world of why's

The internet is undeniably the new encyclopedia, atlas, dictionary and text book and a trove of interesting reads rolled into one. Being connected to the internet allows us to enter a new world of endless possibilities and unlimited explorations and discoveries and weird, fun and interesting reads all at the tip of our own fingertips.

And as most of our older folks have always told us, "the wise always asks questions".This is still proven true in current education programs all over the world, putting emphasis on creative and critical thinking of students, especially among elementary school children. Critical thinking also encourages students to think about almost anything ordinary phenomenon of life and raise questions from it, like "Where do balloons go when they fly in the sky?" or  "How caterpillars become butterflies"?

Because of this, I have came up with  two of the many common questions among young children (or even some adults!).

The first thing that came to my mind is the general fact among adults that only women can breastfeed, so it's pretty clear that they have to produce milk in their breasts so they could breastfeed a baby. This made me want to know the reasons men have nipples, and in case you still don't know why men have nipples, the link can tell you why exactly (and precisely because I don't want to spoil your curiosity!)

After knowing the reasons why men have nipples, as I was sitting by the window watching the people pass by a busy street on a very hot day, a heavy rain pours and in an instant, the busy street was cleared. Again, this is another phenomena that is seemingly 'normal', but have you ever wondered why does it rain suddenly on a hot day? Well, this is quite easy, I think a third grader could explain this, but again, in case your memory doesn't serve you right, you could always search for it on the internet, after all, it is a world of unlimited discoveries.

Malayo ba ang Nueva Ecija? (Is Nueva Ecija far?)

This was and still the common questions of my office-mates when we talk about each other's personal lives. And I would say, no, it's not far. And the follow-up question would be, "so how many hours will it take to get there from Manila?", and I would answer "the shortest would be 3 and a half to four hours if you take the NLEX-SCTEX-Zaragosa-Sta.Rosa route", and they would all like have their eyes and mouth wide open and say "4 hours???!!!, that's far!!", and defensively, I would answer, "of course not!"

This scene reminds me of an article written by one of my schoolmates in Youngblood before, she said that "it is ironic that 'probinsyanano/as' know  a lot about Metro Manila, but Manileno/as know nothing or maybe a little about the provinces". Mainly because, our elementary textbooks taught us a lot about Metro Manila, we have seen what Luneta or Intramuros looks like even if we have never been really there, but when it comes to Nueva Ecija, all you could see is a textbook artist's interpretation of what Nueva Ecija looks like, and for most books it's just a plain and boring rice field stretching through the horizon and almost meeting the sun.

This night, I had the chance to talk with one of my office-mates. She asked me where in Nueva Ecija I live, and her next statement made me smile, "So nagigising ka sa amoy ng siga o kaya sa ingay ng mga hayop?", and a big smile suddenly drew in my face. In that moment, I missed being a probinsyana. I missed waking up with the sun shining on my face, with the smell of dried leaves being burned by the old 'kapitbahay', of the endless 'tiktilaok' of the chickens, of the continuous barking of our dogs and being able to aroma the fresh morning air from the leaves, plants and smoke while having a cup of coffee and hot pan de sal on the 'kubo' outside the house. Although it's not that long since I have arrived in the Metro, a part of me still wishes to go back home every night, counting the days until weekend when I could finally go home to the plain and boring rice field- the very place where I spent practically all my life with joy, simplicity and contentment.

"Nakaka-miss sa probinsya, alam mo yung palay, ilalagay niyo sa lata ng Promil tapos lalagay niyo sa siga, tapos after 5 minutes, may rice pop na kayo", she added, and again, my smile grew even bigger. I realized the simple things that were very ordinary for me may be special to someone else, that the experiences I had, which I used to think were nothing special and just normal, are something that most people long to experience. The sari-sari store you go to when you're hungry, when you don't have enough load to text your friends or when you need manila paper for your report is very rare. In the metro, your sari-sari store is Mini-Stop and 7-Eleven. The carinderia or canteen that you always spend lunch and free time with will be the fastfood chains closest to your office,like Jollibee (if you are lucky enough), McDonald's and for some cases, Yellow Cab or Burger King. The single jeepney ride from your home to your school, which is about 10-20 kilometers apart that usually last from 30-45 minutes will become a 1 or 2 hour ride, with two or three jeepney rides, and most of the times, 30 minutes of walking. The 'oink-oink' of the pigs or the 'tiktilaok' of the chickens in your backyard will be replaced by the honking of the jeepneys, trains, buses, trucks and motorcycles on the street. The aroma of fresh air from the plants in the morning will be replaced by the highly-aromatic mixture of gasoline, smoke, 'pawis' and sometimes, the smell of the person next to you in a jampacked bus, train or FX.

It's Thursday, one more day and I am going home again, I am, after all, a probinsiyana. :)

What woke me up this morning

It was my first time to hear and see a rally, just outside our apartment. "This street is where rallyists gather every rally, and from here, they will walk along the Espana Blvd. going to Mendiola and hold their rally there", my sister said.

And they are rallysits with loud and clear audio system, mega phones, really huge streamers and a uniform for each group, making me wonder where they draw their funds and why they still need to protest. :D
But, hearing them practicing their protests, I believe that what they are fighting for, must be given attention, just like passing the security of tenure bill and the end of contractualization.

2.0

Well, it's been a year since I last posted something in this dusty old blog and just a few hours ago, while traveling along Pampanga with my family, my dad suggested that I should write all the anecdotes that I have experienced during my first few days in the metro. 

But before that, I'll give a run-down of what I've been through in the past year.

1. Graduated from college- finally!

2. Gained new friends and a lot of weight too (?) Haha

3. Learned so much from being independent and all the drama that 'forced' me to be one.

4. Came out as a stronger and wiser person

5. Built a personal relationship with my saviour, Jesus Christ

6. Felt blessed the whole year and still counting... ;)

And yeah, if you are one of the past readers of this blog, I left our good old province where I have lived all my life ten days after my graduation to explore the limitless possibilities the metro could offer, hence the name and description of the blog. :)

Did you just say Free Shoes?

Hell yeah. ;)

So I am not updating this blog lately, but this is something worth blogging unlike my usual rants and raves about how terrible my lovelife was.

My sister told me to surf the net so I can have some sense of fashion in me cause I find my clothes boring just like that. And I found gold! Haha. Yeah, our favorite brand, SO FAB is giving away free shoes and one of its brand ambassadors, no less than Kryz Uy is facilitating the contest- now that's really, really overwhelming. ;)

Girls can't really resist shoes- especially when you get 'em for free. :)

http://thirstythought.wordpress.com/2011/01/30/time-for-freebies/

McDonald's

December 30. Two days before the year turns, a thing I never thought would happen again happened. 

We talked for almost an hour (no, it's just actually me who did most of the talking. haha). 

But yeah, everything's a lot different now- a huge space is now separating us, I am eating food on my own, we frequently look at our mobile phones, texting once in a while and we don't have stories to laugh our hearts with. 

Gladly, there are things that still remain the same, like when he said he feels cold and when he asked  if I feel the same, I said "no", then he said: "cause you're fat!" and we both smiled at it. And when I asked him about his family, their annual reunion that I've attended a Christmas ago, he answered me as if I am still part of that family.

Then he asked me if I am still mad at him, I didn't know what to answer but I knew deep in my heart that remembering everything that he did to me still brings a tinge of pain in me, the memories are just too great to be easily forgotten, and the wound  is just too deep to be easily healed. And when we parted, he sent me a text message saying that he hopes for us to be really okay.

I really didn't thought it would happen again. That it's just the two of us, talking about how we're doing but this time as individual persons, as brother and sister under one organization, as the high school friends we once were, as the eagle scout talking to a rover scout under him.

So much has changed, and hopefully it's all for the better. :)

Comeback

So I am typing this post two days before Halloween. Weird. I don't know why for the many times I have tried to write a new entry to this inactive part of the blogosphere, it's just today that I finally hit the "New Post button"on my blog's dashboard. So I'd like to write about a lot of things but I don't really know where to start or how to start. Well, if you were brought here by accident, thank you. Haha.

So if you're reading my previous "I-was-cheated-on-by-my-boyfriend" posts, thank you for wasting your precious time reading my sentiments. LOL. 

Yeah, after months of hiatus, I finally had the courage to open this account again, go through old blog posts about us, about school, my rants and raves, about the old me. I changed a lot, and there were times I felt like I want to step back, times when I just want to run away from all the pain, times when I could no longer bear the sight of seeing him again and realizing that "hey, I was the person you used to love, can't we get another chance?".....but those times were the very same times that I stayed where I am-although I felt my knees shaking, my heart throbbing and my eyes in tears, I stayed.

The whole experience brought out the person that has long been missed by her friends, the person who always laugh the loudest, the person who always crack corny jokes- the person I thought I had lost in trying to please someone- me. 

I felt like I was a shattered glass-broken into pieces, fragile, weak.

Yet, there must be someone who would gather all the pieces and fix it again, or at the very least try to make something out of those broken pieces so that people would avoid getting wounded by the mess of the shattered glass. 

And I have my wonderful, crazy and cool buddies, advisers and the best parents to thank for rebuilding my life, for always reminding me that there are better things in life, for pushing me to my limits, for saying to me that there's more to life than a four-year relationship with your first boyfriend..that for sure, it would hurt..but all the pain would be gone eventually..that it's about time I reflect on myself, to explore things beyond the world that I knew and to start anew.

Six months have passed. I don't know where I am going.. all I know is that my knees are strong enough to move forward, my eyes are clear enough to see the roads I must take and that I am ever ready to embrace each day as a gift from my Creator. 

I know this is nonsense, so a huge thank you for taking time to read. Hehe.

Have a good day everyone! 

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Sabi nila, para makalimutan mo ang isang bagay, kailangan mo munang tanggapin ito ng buong-buo. Gaya ng malubhang sakit o kamatayan o kahit ang simpleng pag-lisan ng mga taong inakala mo na makakasama mo habang buhay kung kailan mahal na mahal mo na sila.

At para matanggap mo ng buong-buo, kailangan mong ilabas lahat bago ito magsilakbo at sumabog sa dibdib mo. Isang pangyayari na  nag-udyok sa akin na tumigil pansamantala sa pagsusulat upang hindi na makasakit pa, pero yung pangyayaring din yun ang nag-udyok sa akin para subukan muling sumulat.

Apat na taon at anim na buwan. 

Parang sila Basha at Popoy sa One More Chance. 

Hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam ang totoong dahilan kung bakit nga ba kinailangang matapos ng isang samahan na inakala kong pang-habambuhay na. Kahit man lang sana yung pagkakaibigan manatili, pero huli na ang lahat- masyado ng masakit, masyado ng malalim ang sugat para gamutin, masyado ng malala ang pasong natamo ko. Nakakatakot ng sumubok ulit.

At ang pinakamasakit dun, kumapit ako habang siya naka-bitiw na pala, at hanggang ngayon, ganun pa din yung sakit. Kahit gaano kadaming alak ang inumin ko, kahit gaano kadaming yosi ang hithitin ko, kahit gaano kaganda ang mga ngiti ko, kahit gaano ko subukan na ipakita sa mga tao na masaya ako at kaya ko...kapag mag-isa na ako at walang ibang nakakakita, ang sakit sakit pa din, lumuluha pa din ako, umaasa pa din ako na kahit magkausap man lang kami, na kahit minsan lang bumalik kami sa mga lugar na pinuntahan namin, na kahit minsan lang bumalik yung dati... 

Pero hindi na. Wala na. Wala na akong babalikan, wala ng ibabalik pa. Lahat ay niluma na ng panahon, maaaring nandun pa ang lugar, pero iyon na lang ang nananatili doon.

Wala na. 

Redemption

I will write again.

I will bring back this blog to life.

..in time.

I will. I have to. 

Nakakainis na.

Ayaw ko kayong patulan.

 Alam ko binabasa mo ang blog ko. Ito lang ang mga bagay na masasabi ko sa inyo:

1. Hindi ko kailangang manira ng tao para lang makuha ko ang simpatiya nila.

2. Hindi ko din ginagamit ang Facebook account ko para lang patamaan kayo. Wag kasing masyadong guilty!

3. Wala akong balak sayangin ang oras ko sa pagpapanggap gaya ng ginagawa niyo.

4. Hindi ako nabubuhay sa mundo para i-please ang lahat ng tao, kung ayaw niyo sa akin, wag na kayong makipag-plastikan pa.

5.Hindi ako nakikipagparamihan ng kakampi kaya tigilan mo na yung panggagaya mo sa akin! Hahaha.

6. Pinagdadasal pa din kita. Kayo. 

7. Hindi ako masamang tao, nagkataon lang na nagkamali kayo ng taong pinili niyong saktan.

8. May direksyon na ang buhay ko ngayon, sana kayo din.

9. Tumigil na kayo sa pagtatago. Alam na ng buong mundo ang totoo, kayo na lang ang hindi umaamin.

10. Hindi sa bibig ko nanggagaling  lahat ng nalalaman ko tungkol sa inyo, kaya wag mong sabihing "sinisiraan" ko kayo.

11. Ito na ang una at huling beses na gagamitin ko ang blog ko para sa mga ganitong bagay.

12. Sana huwag mangyari sa mga magiging anak niyo yung ginawa niyo sa akin.

13. Wag kayong masyadong defensive.

14. Wag  mandamay ng ibang tao sa kagaguhan nyo. Gagawa ng kalokohan tapos pag nahuli, maninisi ng iba. Syeet.

15. FO na tayo. Asa ka pa?!

A love story

He is 19. She is 17. They got married last Sunday.

I was heart-broken, yet I had to attend a wedding of a family friend and witness a  union of love.

He was small, I didn't even thought that he was the groom when I first entered the hall. He looked like more of a high school student attending his first JS Promenade. He asks a glass of water every now and then.

She was dressed in a beautiful gown, trying to hide her five-month old baby inside her. Her make-up smudged probably by the heat inside the room.

The entourage started and everyone looked at them. They look like little kids playing the "Wedding Booth" in school. But it was real. This is a wedding. This marks the start of a journey of a lifetime.

The pastor started the ceremony. They were tied with a veil and a cord, and finally joined by a ring. The new chapter of their lives was sealed with a kiss. They are now one. 

He sang her a song and she blushed. They must be in-love. But I felt at that moment, they are not ready. 

I felt fear. 

I fear of being married someday. 

It's not easy leaving what you have lived for all these years and starting all over again. It's not easy taking care of someone else when you cannot even take care of yourself at all times. It's not easy being away from your parents. 

After the break-up, I told my friends that I don't want to fall in love again. They raised eyebrows and asked me to just finish the bottle of Red Horse.

Witnessing their wedding, I realized one thing: 

Life is too short. 

And sometimes, our decisions makes it shorter. That while we have the liberty to do what we want with our lives, we have to think of the consequences of our actions. Regrets are inevitable, but we can always use them to learn lessons that will hopefully make us better persons.

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I would like to apologize for not updating my blog, for the loss of tales about Manang and other somehow funny stuff that I used to write here. I just don't want to disappoint you guys with my unending sentiments about something that do not deserve a space here. Haha. Anyway, I don't have intentions to tell the whole world about what I am going through, but it's really, really tough. I chose to contain them on my Facebook account, and I'll try to be back the soonest time possible. Enjoy. Smile. Love Life. :)